:) ... :/ .... :(

So I have written in a while because honestly I have been so confused and stuck in my head. My mood changes from sadness to anger, confused to alone, lost to suicidal. I have absolutely no control over my head right now. It kills me because I love having control, it is one of my issues that I struggle with.
Anyway yesterday I got to see a very influential and positive person in my life. Well I got to see 2 of them! I went into my old high school to meet my former guidance counselor and also my favorite XC and track coach! It was so freeing being able to tell her everything and not have to worry about things coming back to bite me. I hope I didn't put her in an awkward position by releasing a lot of the built up thoughts and feelings I had been keeping inside for fear that I would end up in trouble. The last half hour of our time together, my coach came in and it was just 3 of us ladies sitting in her office talking and laughing. It felt so normal and fun. I will forever remember that moment and hope it happens again.
That was the highlight of my day yesterday and kept me alive because I was looking forward to it. Now I know I have something well someone to live for. It kills me that it is not one of my parents but honestly I love them to death, but don't really feel comfortable talking to them. I am happy that I have therapy this morning. I have so much stuff to tell Carla and process.
The night before I was so close to taking a bottle of pills to just rid my mind of everything. I just wanted everything to go away. I am glad I am still alive but can't help but wonder how things would have played out if I had taken the pills. I feel disgusted with myself for everything I have done. My treatment team and everyone is telling me not to punish myself but i cant help it. I deserve to feel hurt and pain. I deserve to do what I want with my body. I hate cutting i really do but it feels like my only escape most of the time. I didn't cut yesterday and abstained from other things which I am proud of myself for, but really want to just give in now.
I am so thankful for the friends and supports that I have in my life. Kerrianne, you really know how to make someone feel better and realize that I am not alone. Together we can fight!
Thank you for reading through my whole rant and I am sorry if it triggered anybody...